Why Are We So Afraid to Face Negative Emotions? Exploring Shadow Work and Self-Compassion
It’s true that many of us are afraid to acknowledge the shadow parts of ourselves. These are the feelings we don’t like and would rather not admit are there. Most of us were never taught that it’s okay to have our feelings. The positive thinking movement, while helpful in some ways, has also added to this fear—like focusing on the negative will manifest the things we’re afraid of. But there’s another reason why so many of us fear the shadows, and it’s rooted in self-protection.
Why We Avoid Negative Emotions
As children, frightening and disempowering experiences can be too overwhelming for us to process. Trauma, fear, shame, and anger can build up in our bodies. In response, the inner child develops ways to protect us from further hurt. According to Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we develop parts or protectors that keep us away from pain:
"Your protectors’ goals for your life revolve around keeping you away from all that pain, shame, loneliness, and fear, and they use a wide array of tools to meet those goals—achievements, substances, food, entertainment, shopping, sex, obsession with your appearance, caretaking, meditation, money, and so on."
― Richard C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model
The Role of Self-Protection and the Inner Child
During my own experience with depression and anxiety, I kept getting an image in my mind of a frightened horse rearing up. This horse symbolized my inner child—frightened and reacting in fear, even though I was now safe. Recognizing this helped me realize that a part of me felt unsafe and needed compassion, not judgment. Just as I would comfort a frightened horse, I began to soothe my inner child, showing her that she was safe.
“There are scared children still left inside us, existing beneath our skin, that deserve to be held, to be given something soft to hold onto.”
― Kaleena Madruga, Does it Hurt?
Healing Through Self-Compassion and Shadow Work
I often think of the process of healing like tending to a garden. Imagine how weeds could take over if the garden was left untended for years. Now, imagine trying to pull those weeds—the depression, anxiety, addictions, limiting beliefs—and suddenly feeling worse. You might feel like you’re fighting with yourself or sabotaging your efforts. What’s happening is that the inner child feels threatened and reacts in an attempt to protect you.
"Being cut off from our own natural self-compassion is one of the greatest impairments we can suffer. Along with our ability to feel our own pain go our best hopes for healing, dignity, and love."
― Dr. Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction
Understanding that our fear of shadow parts is a form of protection is the first step. Avoiding these thoughts and feelings may have kept us safe once, but now it’s time to approach them with kindness. Instead of viewing these parts as bad, we can recognize them as protective mechanisms developed by our inner child, who simply needs to learn that it’s safe now.
How to Move Through the Shadows for Personal Growth
From this place of understanding, we can begin to face our shadows. Working with a counselor or therapist can help us move through them, rather than remain stuck in them. There’s a difference between focusing on the shadows to move through them and getting lost in them.
"All that I seek is already within me."
― Louise L. Hay
The beauty of confronting our shadows, while honoring the inner child, is that we make space for well-being, happiness, inner power, and self-worth. These qualities are already inside of us as our natural state of being—they’ve just been covered up. By making space for them, they can flourish and grow.
Written by Michele Venema BScN, RN, Psychotherapist, cEFT2 AEFTP
Nurse Psychotherapist/EFT Practitioner
From Shadows to SoulLight Counselling