"Understanding Suicidal Thoughts: Leading with Compassion"

In the spirit of Suicide Awareness Month, I want to talk about suicidal thoughts—an experience that often accompanies depression but should never be dismissed as just a symptom. When my anxiety evolved into depression, I encountered suicidal thoughts firsthand. Through that experience, I gained insights, and gained additional insights through my training as a Nurse Psychotherapist that I wish I had known during that difficult time. Here are some perspectives I'd like to share, which may be helpful to anyone going through this or those supporting someone who is.

Depression and Survival Stress

Depression involves more than just sadness; Dr. Gabor Mate M.D tells us that it's a "depressing" of emotions. Unprocessed fight, flight, or freeze energy, when suppressed, gets stored in the body. Over time, this can contribute not only to anxiety and depression but even to physical illness.

Our bodies are designed to face immediate physical danger—fight or flight—and then return to a state of safety. However, when we remain in this heightened state without fully releasing that energy, our nervous system can become stuck. This is an important piece of information for anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts. It’s not enough to acknowledge that suicidal thoughts are common in depression; we need to understand that they signal emotional pain that’s seeking escape.

Let’s break this down further:

Acknowledging "the suicidal part”

One of the things I learned about in my training in Emotional Freedom Techniques and Suicide Attention through Compassionate Inquiry, was “parts work” that comes from Internal Family Systems. Suicidal thoughts come from a part of us, not our whole being. It’s helpful to realize that this is just one part of us. This distinction is crucial because when we’ve been suppressing (or "depressing") our emotions, reconnecting with the different parts of ourselves—like the inner child, the caretaker, and even the part that feels suicidal—can help us understand our feelings and unmet needs.

Recognizing that one part of you may want to escape, while other parts want to live, can create space for self-compassion. It helps to remember that there’s more to you than just the pain.

Recognizing the Nervous System in Alarm

Suicidal thoughts signal that our nervous system is in a state of alarm. Just like the body goes into fight, flight and freeze in response to physical threats, it also responds in alarm to our overwhelming feelings. Our nervous system is designed to protect us, but when it remains in a heightened state of alarm for extended periods it can shutdown and push us into a place where we feel trapped or without options. Recognizing that the nervous system alarm in the body, and not personal failure, is driving these emotions and thoughts can be freeing for those experiencing suicidal thoughts.

Escape, Not Death

When someone is experiencing suicidal thoughts, they aren’t necessarily seeking death—they are seeking escape from unbearable emotional pain. Suicidal thoughts exist on a spectrum. Sometimes they are passive, where someone may think about death or feel that "death would be better" without any intention to act. Active suicidal thoughts involve a desire or plan to carry out those thoughts.

There is still so much fear and stigma around suicide that friends, family, and even therapists can panic and immediately shift to a “911” emergency response. This is understandable. However, we need to work on shifting this fear-driven reaction as it can make people feel unsafe about opening up, reinforcing their isolation. Understanding that suicidal thoughts are a distress signal—not an inevitable course of action—can help foster a more compassionate response. Compassionate Inquiry has a program called Suicide Attention as mentioned above, that suggests a shift from the current suicide prevention model to one of compassionate attention and is available not only to professionals but anyone wanting education in this area. Here is the link: https://compassionateinquiry.com/compassionate-inquiry-suicide-attention-training/ if you want more information about the program.

Compassion Over Judgment

People experiencing suicidal thoughts are not bad, weak, or failures. They are in emotional pain. What they need most is to be met with compassion and understanding. Suicidal thoughts are the nervous system’s way of saying, “This is too much. The pain is too much, and I need relief.”

When someone is met with care and non-judgmental support, they are more likely to feel seen and heard, rather than dismissed or rushed into an emergency response.

If a person can hear, “Given the level of distress you’re in, it’s understandable why you’d want to escape,” that compassion can make all the difference. It lets them know they’re not a failure for having these thoughts, but rather that their nervous system is trying to protect them from unbearable pain.

Final Thoughts

When we begin to view suicidal thoughts as a cry for help from one part of ourselves—one that needs compassion, not rejection—it can be a turning point. The nervous system is signaling an emergency, and just like any other alarm, the response shouldn’t be to silence it, but to understand and tend to it. This doesn’t mean a person doesn’t need medical or mental health care, possibly even medication. Even if you're feeling like 'death would be better' without having active suicidal thoughts, that’s still a sign of deep emotional pain—so please reach out for support. Along with professional care, compassion and nervous system regulation are essential in addressing suicidal thoughts.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, remember that you don’t have to go through it alone.

Reach out to a trusted support network, therapist, or healthcare professional, or call 988, Canada’s Suicide Crisis Helpline.

Written by Michele Venema, BScN, RN, Psychotherapist, cEFT2 AEFTP
Nurse Psychotherapist/EFT Practitioner

From Shadows to SoulLight Counselling